No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
You Might Also Like
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig