do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man