Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
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Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them