-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Does it…does it take 3 days
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”