The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
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Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.