*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
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First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
you will never know the true number of layers
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
i wish we could shoplift online
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.