my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
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bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore