You Might Also Like
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality