Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
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priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.