of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
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For anyone who needs this today
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
liiiiiiiiike
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)