Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
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“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Not even remotely sorry.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
crying
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!