*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
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*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*