cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
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i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.