each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
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Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news