Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
hi why am I like this
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Butt weight. There’s more!
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words