i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
You Might Also Like
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
A leaf blower, but for people.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
We have a winner.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*