my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
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Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days