8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Are we there yet?…
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex