MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: