God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.