I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
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I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*