Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
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Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.