My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
You Might Also Like
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
seems fine
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
But wait…
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”