Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
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January is lasting longer than my marriage
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.