Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
You Might Also Like
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
How to make infinite energy.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Wednesday
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum