“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.