An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
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i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?