If you had more money you’d be happier.
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.