3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
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Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved