It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
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My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*