HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
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Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal