HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
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11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
finally
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.