I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
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LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life