Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
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In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER