Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
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Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
#parenting