SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
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I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
me when i see my girls butt
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Strangers have the best candy.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”