Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
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Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger