Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
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My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Perfect
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.