I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
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Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert