I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
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I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”