[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
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Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
#Thanos #MondayMood
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life