Customize Your Wedding.
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No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.