Is there a class for just the karate noises?
You Might Also Like
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.