BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.