When my kids ask me anything before coffee
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When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I love the honesty
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
“Wait, let me explain..”
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis