I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Somebody’s lying.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.