Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
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My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.