The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
You Might Also Like
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
“Why you watching this shit?”
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Cats (2019)
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”