(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?