7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
You Might Also Like
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?